Bolstering Black Families

December 11, 2006 -- Maurice Johnson and Stephanie Johnson's relationship was on shaky ground.

YOU SAID IT!

Last week, we asked readers if the government should fund programs that promote marriage in the African American community.By the end of the week, 55% of you said yes. In the words of "prosperoustt" -- Yes, we need positive images of married black, African American families in ads or programs paid for by the government. The cycle of poverty in our communities can be broken when people commit to each other in marriage. But 38%, including "juleva" say government should stay out of it. Marriage is not the answer. The answer is in delaying having children before marriage and learning to sustain marriage. There are very few single people in poverty who have a high school diploma, can read and don't have a record. To read about a study that says marriage benefits blacks economically and participate in our poll and discussion board click on: Can Marriage Stem African American Poverty?

The unmarried Baltimore couple, who coincidentally have the same last name, had been together six years when their second child, Talia, was born.
A second child added pressures. Health complications prevented Talia from leaving the hospital for more than a week after her birth and led to frequent return hospital visits once she was released.

"She was back and forth, in and out of the hospital and I had to take care of my son and go to work," says Maurice, 31. "And Stephanie had to stay with Talia in the hospital. It just seemed like a whole lot to me. It stressed me out and we were on the brink of arguing every day. It was rocky. Actually we probably would not have made it. The only thing at that time that was keeping us together probably was the kids."

They couple credits a government-sponsored counseling program for strengthening their relationship and putting them on the path to marriage.

"When we first started the group I had no plans on getting married, but as our relationship was made stronger, marriage actually became a possibility," Stephanie says.

The Building Strong Families program is aimed at low-income, unmarried couples with children. It operates in 12 cities in seven states. The Center for Fathers, Families and Work Force Development is the city of Baltimore's host organization for the program and is designed for low-income, never-married, African American couples who are interested in exploring healthy relationships and marriage, says Joseph T. Jones Jr., president and CEO of CFWD. The program distinguishes between healthy relationships and marriage because a married couple does not necessarily mean a healthy couple, Jones says.

With research showing that couples are at their closest around the birth of a child, the program targets couples with a new baby. Couples are identified by social workers and hospitals. A social worker told Stephanie about the program six weeks after Talia's birth.
The program runs on a $6 million budget, but is free for participants. Building Strong Families is a six-month commitment for each couple with counseling sessions occurring once a week. Each session is more than two hours long and moderated by a sociologist or family counselor. Transportation, childcare, and meals are provided.

"We kind of pitch to the couples that if nothing else, if they never get a break from their kids during the week, they could consider this their date night," says Cassandra Codes-Johnson, director of family services for CFWD and program director for the Baltimore Building Strong Families Program.

Weekly sessions deal with issues such as individual responsibilities at home, finances, accepting each other's differences, keeping the romantic fire alive after a baby is born, healing old wounds, and infidelity.

Stephanie, 26, says opening up in front of strangers was difficult at first.
"But as I got to know the other females in the group we learned that we had a lot of the same problems so it was easier to talk because we had a lot of the same common ground," she says.

Maurice agrees.

"It was definitely different but once everybody else started to open up it was like a support group where you could come and voice how you feel about your relationship," he says. "The fact that other people really could relate and it wasn't just us that this was happening to was comforting."

Sessions include videos that show couples having arguments and disagreements and discussions about the right and wrong way to pursue those conversations. Those sessions have helped, Maurice and Stephanie say.

"In the past, most times, when we talked we yelled a lot," says Stephanie. "Now we communicate much better."

One of Maurice and Stephanie's recurring arguments is over housework. Maurice tends to be neater than Stephanie and that led to arguments.

"What the program helped us learn is that people are different and I can't expect her to be like I am" Maurice says. "We have to accept each other's differences. Arguing about it is not going to fix the problem; it's just going to make it worse."

What they've learned has moved the couple toward marriage. The couple, who also have a 2-year-old son, Nathaniel, graduated from their class on Nov. 18 and plan to get married in July 2007.

"We decided that we do love each other and we want to be with each other," Maurice says. "So the best thing to do is to get married and to show our children that this is how it should be done."